Thursday, July 9, 2009

On Pineapples and Philosophy

I've been reading the following new book on the Metro, and it inspired a Grand Unified Theory of Pineapples and the Human Condition, that I think you may appreciate, dear reader...


Pineapple Culture: A History of the Tropical and Temperate Zones

Gary Y. Okihiro's book tells all about the roots of the pineapple in southern Brazil/Argentina/Paraguay, it's transplantation to 17th Century European hothouses as a symbol of empire and luxury, and its re-transplantation to the imperial perimeters, where it finally hit Hawaii with a bang at the turn of the 20th Century, just after the U.S. had (fraudulently) annexed the islands. The author, who's Japanese, uses the pineapple as a narrative vehicle for the plantation economies of the tropical empires, and the relationship between the temperate, imperial, masculine, civilized West and the exotic, tropical/semi-tropical, feminized, Oriental East. Reading the history, it's rather hard to imagine how modern (indigenous) Hawaiians could ever consider themselves "Americans."

* * *

This is just one, very evocative glimpse into the Howard Zinn People's History of the United States-style of revisionist history. And as I read such things, I'm torn very deeply between the nasty, triumphalist, pro-imperial, White Power, Exceptionalist American, Manifest Destiny attitude, and horror at the dehumanizing, genocidal, exploitative barbarity that went into making Europe and the United States what it is today. Every splendorous aspect of the West was largely hacked through and pillaged from the East. The United States was settled through genocide, built by slaves and coolies, and expanded over top of indigenous peoples from Puerto Rico to the Pacific Rim. And then I found myself thinking back to the "Thank goodness we fucked the Hawaiians! Those islands make a perfect forward-base in Asia! Think of how we could have defeated the Japanese without a flotilla of islands like that dotted along the way. And won't all our Oceanic possessions make it hard for a rising China to dominate the Pacific!"

And that, pretty much, is the irreconcilable fact about America. I have it within my very DNA: 1/8 Native American blood. So, that means I'm a product of the very violence that "tamed" the New World. I'm sure the native woman who married my white relative was very enamored with him and all that, but I'm also pretty sure than his relatives had aided and abetted the slaughter and disenfranchisement of hers. My last name, "Greene" hearkens back to the very founding of the Jamestown colony in Virginia. From there, my father's family migrated up to north-central Virginia, where they lend their name to a crappy little county there. Now, funnily enough, there are an awful lot of black Greenes around here too. Black people often ask me if I'm part black. It's good they don't know the real reason I share a last name with many of them in the mid-Atlantic region. It was common practice for plantation owners to extend their last names to slaves on legal documents.

The Israelites slaughtered the Canaanites because God had granted them the Promised Land of Israel. Today, their decedents oppress the Palestinians to get access to the same land. Every empire in history--and every civilization for that matter--was forged at the murderous expense of someone else (usually the more peaceable and civilized of the two). Today, even, we are supposedly "post-colonial," but the relations between the core and the periphery are the same, little more than the plantation economies of the 19th Century. The core strip-mines the periphery for resources and cheap labor, while tying its economies into dependent organs of the core, and undermining local industries. Peripheral people are consigned to wage-slavery to the capital-rich core. Sometimes they migrate to the core, and become it's loathed, second-class immigrants. Other times, they turn inward to exploit their countrymen, to becomes demi-cores themselves within their peripheral society.

Within the core, you see, there is a mini-periphery and mini-core. The latter have resources to weather even economic crises like the one they have now just reaped. Their record portfolio growth comes at the expense of their peripheral peers' economic prospects. At one time, the agents of the colonial core would call upon the government to stamp out political risks to their enterprises. Calling in the marines was the Turn-of-the-Century equivalent of requesting a Big Three bailout. The risks firms now undertake are tacitly guaranteed by the government, meaning profits from risk are private, while losses from risk are public (coming from tax revenue, or borrowed against public debt) when the Treasury and FDIC shore up failed banks and "toxic assets." In the aftermath of the Bush-Obama financial crisis recovery stimulus plan, we've seen trillions poured into the same banks that created the crisis in the first place, managed by the same banker ilk that oversaw the prelude to the crisis, without the requirement to alter in any way the management of those funds, or even Congressional oversight over the Department of the Treasury's TARP billions, or the secretive Fed's trillions-large portfolio. Regulation, which has even been supported by the financial industry itself, has gone nowhere. This, after even the most basic regulations were successively rolled back under Reagan, Bush the Elder and Clinton. If that free-for-all regulation regime hadn't have been born, there's no way AIG, an insurance company, would now have the dubious distinction of requiring the biggest government bailout in economic history for financial adventurism. In short, the American taxpayer--you and I--are bankrolling the speculative adventures of a couple of highly-paid frauds, whose claims of record profits don't even hold up over time scales of longer than five years (an investor in U.S. Treasury bonds would have witnessed a higher yield over any combination of stocks, bonds, mutual funds, hedge funds, etc. over the past 30 years--none of which were even profitable over the long term, when you account for inflation or financial services fees).

Does this sound Marxist? No, I'm not advocating a revolution on behalf of socialism here. My specific grievance is against the core-periphery corporatism that has displaced capitalism. The entire financial industry, considered since the Great Depression "too big to fail" is now not capitalist. It is insured and underwritten by the U.S. Government, and by extension, the taxpayer. There is no risk in taking risks, when you have a corporate safety net. Therefore, "irrational exuberance" is not only rewarded, by encouraged, structurally. The CEO A who makes 15% profits per year for five years for his investors, even at the almost certain risk of bubble collapse and the subsequent eradication of all that accrued value, is considered successful. The CEO B who makes a conservative, but sustainable, 8% a year, will be ousted for "under-performing" relative to his competition. Perhaps he can say, "I told you so" after the market crashes, and his conservative line is seemingly vindicated, but meanwhile CEO A may be tapped to be the Counsel of Economic Advisers to the president. (This is not hypothetical, every major member of President Obama's economic team is an alumnus of Wall Street). The thing about firms is that they can go bankrupt with little consequence to the major players. When people, however, go bankrupt, their credit is ruined for seven years (their student loans, and many other financial obligations, will remain, however, owing to recent bankruptcy "reforms"). Small, peripheral countries suffer a similarly dire fate when they go bankrupt (think Argentina or Iceland). But nobody's going to let the core U.S. Government go bankrupt, even as it sops up greater and greater shares of public debt. The ill effects will only be felt by the most peripheral members of society--in the form of foreclosed houses, bankruptcy, bad credit scores, debilitating credit card debt, higher tax burdens, and diminished employment opportunities. The little share of capital investment the peripherals have--their retirements and pensions--were all floating atop the foam of "market value." They are now decimated. Their real money, earned through wages, was transformed into virtual "value," and then rendered valueless by the crash. If the Republicans had had their way during the call to privatize Social Security, the same would have been true there. So, normal folks like me labor our entire lives in jobs we hate, in favor of a tacit economic agreement: Work hard, save away towards old age and your childrens' education, and you will receive not only the fruits of consumerism, but the Shangri La of independence at the end of the rainbow--Retirement. And now, normal folks about a half-century older than me have realized that they chased the toy rabbit of wage-labor and consumerist satisfaction for their entire lives, only to see their 401K, mutual funds and college savings decimated. Bait and switch. "Well, of course, we were trying to inject more growth into the fund!" says the California state pension fund manager (having been swindled himself by a Madoff pyramid scheme).

Well, guess what? Somebody profited from all that. The value, though diminished, has been consolidated closer to the core. Goldman Sachs has posted record profits this year. Madoff made billions before he was caught (who else like him hasn't been caught?). Shorts, hedges, options--the financial world has devised all sorts of arcane products to ensure that somebody's loss is their gain. The author of Black Swan made his first stack betting that the market would tank in 1983. Others' misfortune equaled his gain. At least there was something roguish about Mr. Nassim Nicholas Taleb. He's warned us all since about the inherent and unexpected volatilities in the market. But what of the Goldmans, who publicly assured everyone that the "market fundamentals were sound" while busily stocking up options against what they knew to be a creaking real estate market edifice?

All the normal guys, the unsophisticated ones who believed the government when it told them that home ownership was the soundest investment, and a moral good--no matter the terms. All those Joe Sixpacks who purchased interest-only mortgages, with the federal government's blessing, assured that there was no way the value of their house would go down. "Flip it!" became the mantra, "Think of a house as an investment!" The home was your "nest egg," a lock box impervious to the insecurities of modern life. Well, those guys were foreclosed on, and every cent they put into their mortgage is lost. One of them lived next to my parents. The bank sent some goons to throw all his stuff into the rainy front yard. He is 67 and lived alone and quiet on a polite block of the planned urbanist utopia of Columbia, Maryland. He is now homeless.

The pineapple guy likes to gender this line of thinking, so let's carry the core-periphery, colonialist duality to its logical conclusion. As John Lennon and Yoko Ono once sang, "Woman is the Nigger of the World," so this violent "progress" even cuts to the very core of gender relations, with male advancement dependent upon the subjugation of women. How could Great Men do things if they had no woman to tend house and care for children? And when Great Men do things (war, etc.) who suffers the most?

Great Men, macho men, they have manned the helm of colonialism and capitalism. Both activities required and rewarded the adventurism, risk-taking, monomaniacal focus, and fetishistic longing that are the hallmarks of the testosterone-fueled Ubermenschen. The "spirited" Westerner, extolled since the Greeks, is this manly man. The feminized, moist, soft, fecund, irrational East is a maiden awaiting the seed of his loins--material, intellectual, spiritual and sexual. Polytheistic paganism would be supplanted by male-linear monotheism. Communalism would be supplanted by possession and ownership. Blooming chaos would be tamed by classical formalism. Organic polyculture would be disciplined into artificial monoculture. The Western Man would penetrate, possess and domesticate the entire body of Mother Earth--as was written in Genesis (by a man, or men, on behalf of the Meta-Man: God). And they did. Almost every fertile inch of the earth's surface is tamed, formed and exploited according to the needs, tastes and desires of Man. He has implanted her with the same rapacity as the monarchs of yore implanted their wives and mistresses, solely to render sons. And as with King Henry VIII, non-productive wombs were merely cast aside or put to the sword.


(Andrea Dworkin: Not Hot)

In the bedroom, inequalities are considered normal, even necessary. Radical feminist Andrea Dworkin argued that all heterosexual sex was rape, and inherently violent, involving as it does, literal penetration. We should take her view with a grain of salt, coming as it did form an (astoundingly ugly) former prostitute. However, let us consider how it is normal practice to prioritize fellatio over cunnilingus, especially in macho cultures. Furthermore, it is quite normal if a woman never reaches climax, but quite unacceptable if a man "doesn't finish." The male orgasm is the period on the end of coitus, for obvious reasons. Once again, we have a core of the sexual union--the penis. Because the man's pleasure centers are very discreetly centered around the nerve-heavy glans, he is understandably phallocentric in his sexual approach. The erection and its decline are the opening and closing acts of this play, with the male climax as...well...the climax. Female stimulation is considered an enabling factor to the male's business, merely for lubricating his approach. The pleasure sounds of the female are themselves rendered as fetish, merely an encouragement to enrich erotic appeal for the man (he is usually silent). Most often too, a sexually-sophisticated woman will offer herself in whatever position the man prefers, to his delight. ("Take me" "How do you want me?" "Have you way with me") -- these exhortations are highly erotic.

Such language renders the female as an object to be possessed. We've been well-trained at the apex of consumer capitalism to crave and even require the possession of many objects. Marketers present them as fetishes, objects for worship imbued with otherworldly power. They enhance our prestige in the eyes of others, and even promise to confer upon us desired identities. Men--especially risk-taking, testosterone-infused Alpha Males--crave polygamous sex, while demanding and enforcing (often violently) the fidelity of their partner(s). There is no male equivalent of the word "mistress." There is also no female equivalent for "cuckold." Loosing ones possessions, in the form of being cuckolded, is emotionally damaging for men because of the co-current loss of prestige. It is as traumatic as being forced to relinquish colonial possessions. Just ask France.

Before the pill, women shouldered totally the omnipresent risk of pregnancy, and the often-mortal risks of childbirth. Think of how risky sex was for premodern woman. Between STD (which are tellingly referred to also as "venereal," but not "penile," disease), cancers, pregnancy, death in childbirth, permanent injury and death for genital mutilation, rape, unwanted pseudo-rape from husbands, etc., one wonders how in the world sex could have ever been enjoyable for women. All this stuff remains common practice in much of the developing world, not to mention in the peripheral sectors of our own, enlightened First World.

Males depend on the possession of women, not just for prestige and enjoyment, but for their very health--just as the colonial core depends on its periphery for sustenance. Studies have shown that men who marry young live significantly longer, while their younger wives live significantly shorter lives. Men are not as social as women, and with age they grow less so. Thus, it is extremely important to a whole variety of health indicators that older men be married. Study after study has shown that frequent and regular orgasm from sex reduces dramatically the incidence of chronic diseases among men.

Dependency upon women, like the core's dependency on its peripheral colonies, has always caused anxiety, however. "No man is an island," as the saying goes, but it should be equally said that man needs his islands. From childhood, boys are taunted for their dependence on the feminine ("Mama's boy!"). Later on, male peers jeer at their peers who "are whipped" by their girlfriends. As adults, the bourgeois professional jokes wearily about his wife: "Women--can't live with them, can't live without them." Indeed, the male core both loathes/fears his female colonial possessions, and requires them in order to thrive. The declining labor pools of the West require immigrants, and yet their fear their invasive, alien "horde." The tropics held fascination for the Westerner, seeming as a primordial Paradise, but they were deadly to the touch, full of unknown diseases and unseen dangers (like the vagina, perhaps). In order to be exploited without danger, the tropics--like women--had to be sanitized and domesticated.

The pineapple--all lavish, spiny exoticism--was re-presented as a healthful, versatile and sanitary product by colonial Europeans. The tropics were penetrated, dominated and sanitized literally and figuratively (by cutting back jungle, draining swamps and replacing the native fauna with uniform rows of monoculture cash crops). The tropics and their fruit were packaged, labeled and sold to the specifications of the core. Woman too was scrubbed, exfoliated, shaved, plucked, sealed with tampons, sprayed all over with "personal care products," rouged over, and distanced from the Earth on ungainly heels--sanitized. We take both for granted today, so that any reversal would seem "unnatural."

Unity and Order. The Celestial Kingdom. Platonic Forms. Heaven on Earth. All roads leading to Rome--from the periphery to the core. The centralized, unified, synthetic, sanitary, monadal, masculine Core. A reverse Big Bang sucking all of messy Reality into a neat, comprehensible singularity: God.



Have you ever seen true, virgin Nature in all its dark, womb-like glory? Have you ever seen an unaltered woman? The word for it is "grotesque," which comes from the same Latin word for "grotto," meaning a small cave or hollow. The finest remaining example of ancient grottesche--that extravagant form of Roman art--was discovered by a 14th Century audience in the Domus Aurea palace complex of Emperor Nero, corridors of lavish fresco overgrown and buried by Nature. Beauty buried within Nature--grotesque. As modern peoples of the core, we are both repelled and strangely drawn to the grotesque. It retains some primordial erotic edge. We hear the Call of Nature within it. Its savage, musky aroma quickens the heart. We can be caught in its full throes for a while. And yet afterward, we are ashamed. We wince, blush and turn away. Afterward, we reject. We reject the feminine. We reject the Earth. We reject ourselves.

Everything in life is a zero-sum game, and it's simply not reconcilable. The word "fallacy" is based on the same Greek root as "fascinate" and "phallus." The only way reconcile these irreconcilables to ignore reality, or practice hypocrisies. As a thinking, Western man, I too am culpable. And I do love a good pineapple.

Wednesday, June 17, 2009

Of Busboys and Poets

From the continuing series, Articles My Editor Eviscerates Beyond All Reasonable Limits, or Else Won't Print At All...

Derrick Weston Brown pulls back his shoulder-length dreadlocks, clears his throat and introduces the U Street Poetry Jam: “Attention attention, the mic is now, and ever shall be open…Next up to the mic is you and you and you…” Freestylers, classical pianists, and artists heed his summons. A hushed audience of diverse faces follows the stage, overlooked by sepia portraits of Gandhi, Duke Ellington, and Ralph Nader. This is the Langston Room, the soul of the massive restaurant, bar, coffee shop and events space known as Busboys and Poets.

* * *

In 2005, Anas "Andy" Shallal, an Iraqi-American “artist, activist and restaurateur,” opened Busboys and Poets, hoping to establish a meeting place that would conjure the unique legacy of Washington, DC's U Street corridor, once known as “Black Broadway.”

A haven to haven to black musicians, entertainers and entrepreneurs in the 1950’s, U Street was immolated by the violent race riots following Martin Luther King, Jr.’s assassination. For an entire generation, the community was a ruin, and King’s legacy seemed burned to ashes with it.

“In the 1980s, this community was devastated by Reaganomics and crack cocaine,” said Law, “the transformation since has been incredible.” Like many other native residents, he experienced firsthand the double-edged effect of gentrification: “We had to move out to Maryland because it got so expensive, but I can still feel something special when I walk around this neighborhood.”

“Andy rooted this place in societal justice,” Maurice Chase, a Busboys manager, said of it’s founder. There are no titles among the management, and everything is decided by consensus. The staff files through the sofas and comfy chairs of the “community space,” displaying tattoos and piercings. After explaining the “biodynamic wine” and vegan desert selections featured on the menu, my Mohawked server Akon pointed to a series of murals he’d painted on the wall behind us. Between courses, I pursued the socially aware books in the in-house library run by the non-profit Teaching for Change.

And what of the name? It is in tribute to Langston Hughes, who was working as a busboy at the Wardman Park Hotel in the 1930s, when he slipped three of his poems to a patron. The guest was famous wordsmith Vachel Lindsay, who proclaimed in the papers the next day his discovery of a “Negro busboy poet.” The rest is history.

My own Salvadorian busboy Juan demurred on offering me any of his creative wares. However, Derrick Weston Brown, Busboys’ “poet-in-residence,” can be found in a corner of the library, scribbling prose, travel plans, and booking schedules in three Moleskin notebooks.

“Busboys is a community space for events that just happens to have food,” said Brown, “It’s like everybody’s living room.” Indeed, patrons come to find their muse, not for outstanding dining. Heavy in social awareness, the food and drink is regrettably rather light on quality.

You don’t find yourself minding, though—you’re steeped in a truly a magical space. The neighborhood’s recent flowering may draw upon a segregated past, but it looks forward to an idealistic future. Perhaps nowhere else can you find such an easy mingling of the many tribes of the District. “On election day, this place was packed every different type of person you can imagine—homeless people, professionals, college students—all silently watching the TV,” said Chase, “They were all unified.”

And whither the politicians whom they watched? “Politicians try to stay away from political spaces,” said Law. Though the president famously favors Ben’s Chili Bowl up the street, you’d be hard-pressed to spot any lawmakers or their staff here. “I can only think of one time I saw many conservatives here,” said Chase, adding, “This is a big spot for gays and lesbians.”

Busboys demonstrates too that a truly communal space is a promise, not a guarantee. “Last Saturday, the Beltway Atheists came in just as the Washington Catholic Archdiocese was hosting an event on atheism in the Langston Room,” said Law, “I tried so hard to get them together, but it didn’t work out.”

Here, Martin Luther King’s dream resonates still. On inauguration day, the streets outside erupted with an outpouring of hope. A pillar of the neighborhood for four years now, Busboys and Poets is holding an Obama-age America to its word—can you make your hope a reality over the next four?

* * *

It’s Thursday night again, and Brown smiles widely behind a microphone: “Calling all virgins to the mic. No sacrifices on this here stage. It’s all about gentleness and we will be gentle. The mic is now open…”

Wednesday, May 27, 2009

Rahm Emanuel: Spotted Eating Fish

From the syndicated series of Stuff My Editor Won't Print, Vol. 1:

The scene is familiar to Georgetown residents. Black SUV--with or without police escort--parallel parks in front of Cafe Milano, Morton's Steakhouse, Clyde's of Georgetown, etc. Secret Service scouts the place, and then the power meal begins. The neighborhood prides itself on being imperiously nonplussed by all this bother.

Rahm Emanuel has a Bonapartian air about him, from his diminutive size to the larger-than-life intensity whirring through his stride. Even so, few in the Euro-cool interior of Georgetown's Hook restaurant were aware that they were rubbing blazers with one of the most influential men in the Free World. "Oh, comeon, that's Rahm Emanuel--he's controversial," one diner cajoled his blank-eyed companions.

Dave Chappelle's frequent visits make a much bigger scene. The last time the comedian dined at Hook, it was with comedian Anthony Brown and a "Sheikh Ahmed"--leaving a $5,000 tab and the distinct impression among management that they'd taken a mid-course break to "hot-box" the Sheikh's freshly-bought Mercedes SLK. ("I'm rich, bitch!")

Rahm is a stoic, taking decaf over Dom Pérignon.

"I want to see this economy producing things again, investing in things again," Rahm proclaimed over a plate of pan-seared Barramundi. Indeed, so too would Hook's Executive Chef Jonathan Seningen. Since 2006, the Maryland Eastern Shore native has been leading Hook to the vanguard of the sustainable seafood trend, sourcing his fish and produce from local farmers and fishermen in Virginia, Maryland, and Pennsylvania (Rahm's Barramundi, native to Australia, was sourced from an environmentally-friendly fish farm in western Massachusetts). Right across M Street, Clyde's of Georgetown has been partnering with local farmers since the 1970s. Hook's menu changes every day to reflect whatever sustainable fish are in season and available (so far, over 100 different varieties), and both restaurants offer a constantly-changing assortment of seasonal offerings. No word yet whether Michelle Obama's White House victory tomatoes will make it into Rahm's next meal.

Secret Service Agent Cliff Johnson kept one eye on his mark, the other on his Blackberry, and his fork in a plate of less fancy, but still "sustainable," popcorn shrimp from Hook-owned Tackle Box. When asked who Rahm's two companions were, he shrugged: "I have no idea, my Blackberry just says 'dinner with Steve,'" adding, "Obama's shuffled his cabinet so much in the past month, you'll have to catch me in four years before I can remember them all." He then turned back to deliver more war stories to his giddy audience of sous chef and manager.

At 9:30, Rahm apologized to "Steve" and his companion for having to leave early, and was escorted by his head-taller security detail back into the night-black SUV from whence he came--to get on making this economy produce things again.

Monday, April 6, 2009

Life as a Succession of Tweets

Okay, okay, so maybe we're headed down a road toward mindless, self-obsessed lives where every event is reduced to words and camera angles...
(Or tweets)
...Every moment imagined through the lens of a cinematographer...
(Or through your Facebook Newsfeed)
...Every funny or sad remark scribbled down for sale at the first opportunity...
(Which present themselves often, since you have both Twitter and Facebook Mobile on your Blackberry or iPhone)
...A world Socrates couldn't imagine, where people would examine their lives, but only in terms of movie and paperback potential. Where a story no longer follows as a result of an experience. Now the experience happens in order to generate a story. Sort of like when you suggest: 'Lets not but say we did.' The story--the product you can sell--becomes more important than the actual event.
These excerpts are pulled from Chuck Palahniuk's (Fight Club) collection of true stories Stranger than Fiction, specifically from the article "You Are Here." He's cast his lens on the hopeful masses at the Midwest Writers Conference (or Writers of Southern California Conference or the Georgia State Writers Conference) trying to hawk off their painful/inspiring stories to book publishers-slash-movie producers. This was the 1990s' brand of narcissism.

Now we have Twitter. As easy as it was back then to produce a "best of" NFL highlights of your life, "organizing and making all that flotsam and jetsam make sense," now it's even easier.

The last five years of your life (assuming you were an early-adopter) have been chronologically sorted for you on Facebook--you can scroll through the photos like a researcher flipping through reams of microfilm. You can look back on your bygone youth, and sigh with a bittersweet mix of nostalgic longing ("Besides, all our best adventures seem to be behind us.")

Everyone else can too. In a few minutes, I can keep pressing "next" until I've digested your entire life story, 1,000 words at a time. Bam! I know you as fast as it takes to scan your "About Me" section ("...loves Pulp Fiction and Winston Churchill quotes--me too!")

But not so fast! Recall that everything here has been packaged for the marketplace. Yes, this is not a profile page of 21-year-old John Doe, it is John Doe
. If John is savvy, he's framed his page to achieve a desired brand image, with maximum market penetration. If John is really savvy, he knows that pictures make the cyber-man. If John is really really savvy, he knows that it never happened if its not snapped and uploaded by his peer paparazzi the next day. So what does John Doe do?
Now the experience happens in order to generate a story.
John consciously pushes for that optimal crazy-sexy-cool moment, captured with impeccable timing (or luck) by a Sony Cyber-shot
®. And that moment, that experience, is transformed into a profile picture. It is a highlight. It is a hot commodity now in the Economy of Attention. It was the whole purpose of the experience in the first place. Will it go viral? Will John get his 15 seconds of fame (15 minutes being a tad bit ambitious in the age of 140-word character limits).

If the ploy is successful, John will get the attention he craves. To what end? Perhaps in the beginning it was to enhance his actual, flesh-and-blood social life. These days, though, its an end in itself. Why get laid when all you need is to have everyone think you're getting laid? These days, one's social life apotheosizes to the level of Facebook hyperreality, or reality by proxy.
Hyperreality tricks consciousness into detaching from any real emotional engagement, instead opting for artificial simulation, and endless reproductions of fundamentally empty appearance. It is the simulation of something which never really existed. - Jean Baudrillard
Facebook is all appearance, a fast-food social life. No matter how many Facebook status updates, wall posts, messages, pokes, comments, or counter-comments you ingest, you aren't sustained. You don't get that essential holistic effect achieved by a good lunchtime conversation, or a hug, (or actually getting laid).

Twittering then is fast-food self-expression. Doubtless, each medium has its own elegant forms of mastery, and the inguistic economy of the "tweet" no doubt challenges the writer (viz haikus). However, the sheer volume and ease of Twitter publishing cheapens the output. Even worse, the medium is invading our everyday speech and thought.

When people start to think and communicate in texts and tweets over exchange and expression, well... it will be the sort of revolution that won't be televised, but it will be archived (on Ashburn- and Santa Clara-based internet servers).

Tuesday, January 13, 2009

Romantic Comedies: Porn for Women



I've been saying this for years:

"Romantic Comedies are Making Kids Miserable"


I will address the narrative fallacies of the romantic comedy genre, but first let me first shortly examine its male equivalent--pornography (slightly NSFW)...

Young men, from early adolescence on, are socialized for years on a steady diet of pornography, rendered easily accessible today via the internet. The imagery and archetypal mythology of pornography is tied inextricably to the male's sexuality, through years of Pavlovian conditioning. Each exposure is rewarded with orgasm, just as the experimental chimp is rewarded with banana when a certain button is hit. This, over time, forges robust connection between the pleasure-impulse and the particular semiotics of pornographic film. This must obviously color young mens' impressions of their female companions and of their sexuality, with predictable results.

The (often-cretinous) male lead in a porn plot is rapaciously pursued by one of the Cum-Craving Sluts! The sex act is decontextualized, and rendered as a predictable given, once an appealing young woman-object enters the orbit of the male lead (and by projection, the viewer). Erotic display, foreplay, and oral sex are rendered primarily for his benefit, and theatrical orgasmic gesticulations will erupt immediately from the woman-object without any obvious connection to actual pleasure or orgasms experienced by her. Her role is to project signals of the process of orgasm with suitable duration and intensity for him to achieve the event of his own orgasm. The sexual solipsism is breached only by occasional encouragements mechanically projected by the woman-object (usually along the lines of "Oh yeah, f*ck me harder!"). Since the characters usually enter the scene as strangers, and leave as such, there is little, if any room, for mutual sexual communication and exploration. Nor is this desirable.

Focus is given at the climactic moment to the male orgasm, emphasized by the visual emphasis of the "cumshot." Most often, orgasm is experienced by the male lead as a completely isolated experience, him having "pulled out" prior to ejaculation, and usually seizing the erotic reigns at the climactic moment (literally) with his own hands. The male does not touch the woman-object at the crescendo of orgasm, except by the propulsion of his ejaculate onto her supplicate body as a violent projectile.

Thus, the male lead subject seizes agency as the cause of his own orgasm. Never is he vulnerable or beholden to the woman-object. He has given, but "owes" for nothing (having facilitated his own orgasm). There is no post-coital embrace. The scene ends abruptly. The sex act remains decontextualized, an event unmoored from past or future. There are no consequences--emotional, spiritual, or physical--for either participant.

* * *

Nothing new; straight out of anti-porn feminist theory. What is less acknowledged is the malicious role the romantic comedy genre plays upon the romantic development of the adolescent female. As with porn, archetypal characters are presented as unrealistic stereotypes, designed to cheaply salve the audience's emotional impulses more than to reflect accurately real-life experience.

The male archetypal subject in porn is actively pursued by his fantasy woman-object, so too is the female romantic comedy archetypal subject wooed without obvious cause or merit. Her desirability is a given. The test of his worthiness is what grants the plot its narrative tension. He must along atone for his faults, labor against fate, and summon his sincerity for them to live happily ever after. Her agency is reduced to passive observation and judgment of his behavior. Her character is amoral, since it is not her redemption, but his which is a necessary prerequisite for romantic realization. The female lead is thus shorn of moral agency, and thus responsibility.

This leads to the Little Princess Complex--pretty girls can do no wrong. Also, it presupposes the Boys Will Be Boys Complex--cute boys are boisterous by nature, but ultimately endearing in their incorrigibility. The Little Princes Complex dehumanizes the female in two ways: by reducing her to her mere aesthetic value as a romantic object, and by absolving her of the need and ability for moral responsibility. The Boys Will Be Boys Complex grants the male more space for moral agency, characterization, and humanity, but still reduces him in an essential way.

Firstly, he is guilty until proven innocent, and cannot hold his female jury to the same standard applied to him. Secondly, in the end his moral conduct is immaterial. In a temporal twist on Christian mythology, his salvation is found in her grace. He must prove his love for her, more than he must prove his uprightness, and then she will extend her grace to him. Happily ever after...

History does not exist for the characters in romantic comedies. All actions are forgiven once tension has served its narrative purpose, and all morality and practicality are sublimated to the teleology of Plot. The characters are prisons of our agenda for them: love or else! Their romantic connection is not born of mutual empathy or inner experience, but rather of a narrative fait accompli. Their duty is not of romantic edification, but rather to reconcile themselves to the fate rendered to them. This presupposes of course that the pairing was "natural" all along.

Certainly, sticking one's head in the ground to glaring deficiencies in the connections born of modern romance--characterized often by capriciously random encounters or mere convenience--does not offer promise as a long-term romantic strategy. Furthermore, the implication that only one party with have to "work at it" is bound to lead to heartache and resentment. Lastly, the alluring conception of human beings as emotional tabula rasas--impervious to past slights and patient in the wake of pain--is dangerously naive.

Most perilous, however, is the tragic-ironic place where the two media--porn and romantic comedy--meet. Their messages are diametrically opposed. Each partner will expect his/her opposite to play supplicant. Neither acknowledges their own personal moral responsibility. Furthermore, the two media divorce the two concepts of romance and sex into gendered spheres. Each becomes the total dominion of its respective gender. Sex belongs to men and is defined by them. Romance to women. Incongruity characterizes both. The connection between sex and romance is broken, and the different but complimentary roles played by the two genders in each sphere is disregarded in favor of a schizophrenic dualism.

With a whole generation of young men coming up convinced that the only proper connection with a woman is "doggy-style," and with their female peers wondering why their boyfriends don't take the night-flight from Paris just to ask how they're feeling, it's little wonder that...

Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus

BONUS! Free yourself from the grip of The Porn Machine (via N+1)

Sunday, January 11, 2009

Yoga, Official Mystic Activity of Late Capitalism



yo⋅ga [yoh-guh] - noun: A ritual and regimen involving svelte blonds in stretchy black pants, tank tops, and roll-up rubber mats. It emphasizes breathing and flexibility. Great for stress. Everybody who does it seems skinny. Involves vague feelings of eco-consciousness, too.

Yep, lots of sex appeal in yoga.

I'll go out on a limb here and argue that the majority of yoga enthusiasts in trendy urban neighborhoods have never heard of the concept of Hatha Yoga--or of Yogi Swatmarama, its 15th Century originator. This is what most Westerners think of as "yoga." Yogi Swatmarama originally conceived of his physical regimen as a preparation for long periods of meditation, "a stairway to the heights of Raja Yoga" (enlightenment through meditation). In other words, "yoga" (as commonly mis-understood) is a means to a means to an end. It prepares the body in order to make possible the meditation that will itself make possible the eventual enlightenment.

Non-believers doing yoga to get skinny is kind of like appropriating the bend-and-kneel Islamic prayer to tone your buns and a thighs.


"Allaahu Akbar! Feel the burn!"

Ok fine, say our bendy patrons of lulumon atheltica ("a yoga-inspired athletic apparel company with over 100 locations in Canada, the United States, Australia and Hong Kong"), maybe our interests veer more towards the yuppie than the yogic. What's the harm? You can loose weight, "increase your range of motion," and purge all the stresses of modern living!

Here's the thing--all you mystical weekend warriors looking to get "Stronger, Better, Wiser, Lighter! ☮"--you have wrapped your pliable thighs in a tight embrace of the very source of your angst and malaise.

Yes, the moment you debited a hundred dollars to your Visa for that 100% recycled post-consumer content yoga mat, you lost it. When you entered that air-conditioned, hermetically-sealed, Windex-scrubbed glass box of a yoga studio, you lost it. When you looked around you and meditated either on how super-skinny you already are, or should be, you lost it. When you strutted your way to be seen purchasing an organic açaí protein smoothy, you lost it. And when you told all your friends how yoga has totally changed your life, you did so wafting a subtle air of faux humility barely able to cloud the self-righteous avarice of the fab yogic elect--and you lost it.

But now, after an hour of heavy breathing and narcissism, cells bathed in oxygen and antioxidants, you're feeling pretty good. These days, you simply have to come back every week, or every other day, to "decompress."

And you might be addicted to therapy. Or maybe even heroin, too.


"For the love of God, I neeeed to perform the down dog pose!"

After each respective dosage of therapy, yoga or heroin, you'll feel pretty good (in the case of the latter two, you'll feel pretty slim, too). But then after a while, the Crisis creeps back into your life. Sobriety makes you feel frazzled again. Threadbare. Stressed. So, you head back to the studio to sweat a little--to wash out your soul like you wash your clothes. But there is no solution, only maintenance.

Oh ye bendy Seekers, realize that yoga is the new Opium of the Masses! That old-time religion was just too involving, it turns out. Plus, it didn't do much for those embarrassing love handles. So why not distill some Hindu wisdom, containing the highest possible concentration of marketable content? A 90 Proof shot of spirituality. A high-potency multivitamin for the soul.

In shooting up just enough therapy into your beleaguered veins, you've perpetuated your spiritual demise. In making a creeping madness "manageable," you've assured the insanity's ultimate success. All that stress that you pursue yoga to expurgate is normalized and its ultimate cause ignored. It is responded to like a routine hunger easily satiated by a nice lunch.

Even worse, you've intensified the Crisis by becoming even more of a consumer--of yoga, its image (spiritual skinniness!), and related "essentials" (Nike Dri-Fit™ high-performance tank!). But your life remains, as in the suburban dystopia of Revolutionary Road, filled with "hopeless emptiness." An existential drift sweetened just enough with an relentless torrent of consumer items and experiences, of which yoga is just another example. By cheapening yoga with consumerist commodification, you've vexed another route of potential escape (what the old-time Yogis called moksha) for yourself and others.

The word "yoga" was derived from the Sandskrit yuj, meaning "to control." Ask yourself, the next time you are standing in line for salads with a flock of other identically-attired Yuppie Yoginis, just who is controlling whom?

Thursday, November 13, 2008

Blue Gold, Revisited

An article in New Scientist about the emerging importance of aquifers as freshwater sources, the potential for conflict when such aquifers cross national boundaries, and a new UNESCO map of underground water worldwide.